A little bit of fiction for today.

I don’t like being the one that brings bad news to people. I hate the look of desperation and fear that inevitably makes its way to their eyes. Then they plead and beg for a different outcome, they yell and rant about fairness in life. Then the threats burst out of them as if it that would change the course of the action taking place. I just sit there and try my best to offer comfort even though I already know they are not hearing anything I say. Wrapped up in their confusion and hurt,which is really just the way that people cover up what their real feelings are, anger at themselves.

Yup, there is no joy in being an IRS auditor.

 

Have a great Tuesday!  🙂

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Falling Into Something New

I’m beating the rush and making a new year resolution early.

It’s simple, really.

One small statement.

So then why does it feel so —- daunting?

Answer:

Because it requires change. And change can be a bit scary, worrisome, hard to handle, etc.

So then why should I bother to resolve to do anything new at all in the new year?

Answer:

Because life is about changing. Rearranging of things, thoughts, actions and such can lead to a monumental shift in consciousness.  Or at the very least it can bring about a change in perspective. Either way — change is good for the body, mind and spirit.

Okay I’m in. Here is my little, daunting, possibly monumental statement:

I will submit my writing (short stories, poetry, etc.) to more magazines in 2012, with the sincere effort of getting published.

Whew! I feel kind of tired now. But I’m pressing onward. (prepare for a shift in content)

You see, I feel like I’ve been doing more playing at trying to get published than actually (actively) getting published.

The reason for that:

Fear.

Plan and freaking simple. I’ve been afraid of (wait for it)……………..

Success.

Yes, you did read that correctly. I have a fear of success. (although that is changing)

Weird – yeas I know.

Failure has never bothered me and I’ve been trying to figure out the why behind that odd little mind-set.

And I have gotten a firm grasp of it. The meditations have greatly helped me in that quest as have my friends.

The reason for the oddity of that fear is simple, yet finding it was profound.

Failure = comfort. At least it has up to now.

Failure was comfortable place, a quiet place where there were no expectations of me or my writing. I could hide in failure. Success puts you out there in the public.

I thought and felt that if I succeeded as a writer then there would be a tremendous amount of pressure to be better than my last story, poem, article, book. And that was too much for me to deal with.

Now though, a new idea is forming and growing within my ever fertile mind. An idea that says “If you are being true to yourself then that is all that matters”. Again a simple thing. But then the simple things are often the best things. Anyway.

This idea has actually felt liberating to that fearful side of myself. And I can feel the fear lifting away in bits and pieces. I know it won’t be gone in one night (maybe two nights lol), but it’s leaving.

So I figured I’d get a resolution in writing early, print it out and hang it up by my desk. Print out the new idea too. 2012 is going to be an interesting year.

 

What about you? What are you resoluting to do in 2012?

Leaping Through The Doorway

Making the leap this year, going to do it, I am doing it. Oh Carp, I’m still standing on the edge. Why do I not just jump already?

I’m talking about writing competitions. There are always advertisements out there about one contest or another to win money. trips, a spot in an anthology or magazine. A writer can get overwhelmed when deciding on which ones to enter. I know..I’m one of them.

So I researched a whole slew (no I don’t know how much is in a slew, but it’s a lot), of contests and have come up with one option for me. Writer’s Digest. That’s it for this year  at least at the time of this post that is the one. Or rather ones, I’m entering.

I’m going for it with a few of them. And I don’t mind admitting that I’m a bit unnerved by this choice of mine. I mean it’s one thing to have your writing/critique group review your work and give their feedback, that’s safe. Being judged in a contest – scares the words out of me and feels like I’m hanging over a cliff that has something you can’t see at the bottom. And you know if you drop you may not die, but you know some kind of creature is waiting to gleefully grab onto you and …well I’m not sure although it cannot be a good thing.

I’m doing it despite or rather in spite of my fears. The self-critic wails that it’s not a good idea, you’ll fail you know, you’re not good enough..blah..blah..blah. Tired of that carp too. (yeas I know I said carp and not crap – twice now)

Maybe the short story will center around my fear of entering writing contests. I’m just so non-competitive, can I really do this?  (stop it nagging negative inner voice.) Okay sorry about that, anyway…..  I can do this, I am doing this, I must do this. There take that inner critic that takes joy in being overly critical – ha!- I silence you.

Yeah – see what happens when I get nervous. I ramble on and on just saying (typing) whatever happens to cross thru my consciousness. It’s an affliction I tell ya. Maybe backing off the coffee could help, but I really don’t think so. Perhaps deep breathing. Breathe in (count to four), breathe out (count to four – no I don’t know why four it just sounds good). Then repeat the process.

Okay that worked – a little. Still have a nervous stomach, feeling jumpy – so I may as well leap.

Here…..I…..Go.

Well, I’m finishing the stories first. I’ll keep you in the loop (or maybe google circle) of how it goes.

So how many out there have done the contest thing? Did you survive intact? Oh by the way – this post was inspired by friends posting about contests. Brave souls that they are have made the leap. They are – Sarah Wedgbrow and Stephanie Mooney.

Jumping into the deep end………

That is what it feels like to me when I think about finishing the books and going for the whole published book thing.  It’s as if I have decided to jump into the deep end of the pool (which is somewhere around 300 ft deep), in complete darkness. It’s not the fact that I don’t know a lot about the publishing world that scares, no it’s more the fact that I want to put myself out there in the world for all to see. That scares the – everything – out  of me.

You see for me success is actually my biggest fear. Crazy huh? But it is the truth, the whole and nothing but the unfiltered, unedited truth. Failure has always been easy, or for that matter just not doing/finishing anything at all is even easier.

But now I want to do something, finish something, be someone that I admire. And the fear is creating a bit of anxiety in my soul. But this time instead of just getting stuck and staying stuck up in that there fear, I am using it to write.

Using my fear energy to write with is new to me. I always thought that in order to be able to write I had to be either happy or angry, no in between gray area to work from. And granted it has worked in the past. But now as I step out of my past and look into the future I need someplace new from which to write. And fear of success is that place.

I figure that as long as I have the pent up energy why not let it work for me in a positive way. That is not say that I will always write from a place of fear. Who knows next week, next month or next year I may have discovered a different place to write.

For now I am using my fear instead of it using me.