From Winter Solstice Past


Decisions
December 22, 2009
Life is all about the decisions that we make on a daily basis. Whether it’s what time to set the alarm to get up, what to have for breakfast, or whether or not to have that fourth cup of coffee. All of these decisions make up the sum of who we are. And we redefine ourselves everyday, moment by moment we redefine our entire being.

It in this redefining moment that I had a thought – who do I want to be right now? Not what do I want to do, what do I want to have. The most relevant thought was who do I want to be right now? What am I defining in this moment with the decisions I am making right now in this moment.

So in this moment I am defining that I want to know myself. Completely know myself. You see for almost a decade I have hidden my true self. Hidden her so deeply and so completely that I lost her. I lost myself. I lost my thread to life. My tapestry had come undone.

This tapestry was richly woven at one time. At one time there were pictures of my family, my friends and my aspirations. There were intricate details of who I was, of who I was becoming and all my decisions were very clear. Like a day where the moon is high and bright and she shows all the details of the landscape that her light shines upon. But my decisions started to fray the edges, sway the moments until  – they toppled.

They became muddied, my eyes became clouded and my soul diluted. I. Closed. Down. By the moment of one fateful decision I closed off to the possibility of my true self. I hid myself, I caged myself and rearranged myself according to someone else’s decisions about me. I lied to myself, tried and hung my self. I decided to turn away from my mirror. And I lost. My. Self.

The decisions after that moment became convoluted and dirty a mere fragment of who I was supposed to, wanted to manifest. My decisions were no longer truly my own. I lost me among the confusion of everything I had decided. I lost my vision.

Yet now, with realization comes clarity. I am wiping my eyes clear of those little eye boogers, you know the kind that creep in when you are sleeping. Yeah, you know them. I am clearing my life, my vision. I decided to find me. To find. My. Self. It is a journey of a thousand lifetimes. And I have begun the stepping, the traveling, I have decided to reach her again. To be me again.

The rain that was falling and drowning my inner landscape has now given way to the flood of my newly found soul. I am a brilliant light. I am someone to be counted, to be heard. I am stalking down my yellow brick road to my emerald castle buried deep in the sands of time.

I have decided to live, to breathe, to dream, to run with the shadows, to dance within the beams of moonlight and breathe in the warmth of love again. I have decided.

So decide well the moments that you choose. For they will determine the life that you paint for yourself. Those decisions will define you, entwine you in the embrace that they create. Create well the life that you truly want. Reach in and touch the inner core of your soul and decide.

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2 thoughts on “From Winter Solstice Past

  1. What an inspiring blogpost! Enough to make everybody want to get up and look at the decisions they’ve made and wonder if they’re truly the best for themselves.

    I don’t do very much self-reflection — It’s just never been me — but it’s empowering to see others like you step forward and do this for themselves, Joelle! It shows a great amount of insight, patience, and self-awareness.

    It looks to me like this is something you wrote in December 2009 — the question I have is, reading this now, have you “create[d] well the life that you truly want”? Do tell!

    • I am getting there Rance. 🙂 There has been a lot that has happened over the course of the last two years, but I’m definitely getting to where I want to be.

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